Anxiety is a rough subject to tackle, moreso for our children than anything. It may present as fear or worry, but it can also cause our children distress that we cannot catch on a day-to-day basis.
According to child therapist Natasha Daniels, a common wall we hit when we try to get our kids talking is that they don’t know what they’re scared of. They can’t put their finger on what makes them anxious, but it can rear its head in the small things. What’s important for us to remember as parents is anxiety doesn’t need to be rational.
One error we might be making is asking this: “What’s wrong?” Because anxiety lies in our core fears, they might resurface in things totally irrational to somebody else. This could be why our children have a difficult time opening up, because they cannot pinpoint why something ordinary is making them feel this way.
When you notice them showing apprehension or aggression towards doing something, try to dig deeper. For example, your child doesn’t want to go to school. This doesn’t mean they are scared or worried about school per se, but there are layers.
Instead of asking, “Why don’t you want to go to school?” ask “What’s the hardest or worst part about going to school?”
It's a small adjustment with big implications. And remember, tone is everything. The question goes from probing or even accusatory to curious and concerned.
By making the shift from “why” to “what’s the hardest part,” we do the following:
1. We validate whatever is making them anxious, no matter how small.
2. We break down their experience and encourage them to identify which part is difficult, embarrassing, stressful, or scary.
3. We gain a deeper understanding each time we zero in on a problem, which we can dive further into by repeating the question, “What’s the hardest part about that?”
So to continue the example above, your child might answer that the hardest part of going to school is recitation. You can continue to probe about what’s the hardest part about recitation, unit you get to the bottom or core of what they’re worried about. Is it being made fun of? Or given the current situation, is it actually the anxiety of virtual class, where it’s harder to communicate? Or is there an underlying fear of failure by answering wrong?
Anxiety is a serious topic, and as we all know, it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. But with what we know now and further development by experts, we can definitely build a safer, more forgiving environment that allows this openness to exist in our homes. It's all about intention and communication!
