Navigating through this crazy thing called parenthood is overwhelming to say the least. Luckily, we have our community of mamas who are willing to share their own trials and triumphs to encourage and empower all the mamas out there. Meet Mama Ciara, a mother of two under two.
"In my first pregnancy, I feel like I romanticized postpartum to be a quiet time to recover, as I soaked in newborn snuggles, nursing and falling asleep as we establish that mom and baby bond as well as a new routine for this wonderful new life we just started. What it truly felt like was being hit by a ton of bricks. My water broke before midnight, we rushed to the hospital not truly knowing what to expect except for the part that at some point we’re going to get out of there as a family of three. I got the epidural, slept through the wee hours of the morning then gave birth at 11:03. It was all quite surreal and it was a lot to process. I was dead tired, overwhelmed and unsure where to start. Every 10-15 minutes or so someone will knock and come in to check on me or the baby.
It all just seemed very mundane for the caregivers at the hospital that people give birth everyday and get on with life. Sure there were papers, educational materials, stories online we can read on demand but I don’t think any of that really prepares you for the reality that now lays before you.They encouraged me to keep latching. I would put my baby to my breast but it seemed that he, too, was tired and sleepy. No one really commented and just went ahead and noted it down. They gave me a pump then would continue asking me on their next pop in if I had pumped to which I would answer not yet because I was trying to get a Power Nap in just to get my bearings back from feeling so dizzy and disoriented.
As it turns out, my baby being born at 36 weeks meant he was weak and couldn’t latch properly, I did not have the proper techniques to encourage that latch therefore impacting my milk supply and in a few days would cause his bilirubin to increase. And then there was apparently a tongue tie too. We needed to come in everyday for about two weeks to get a blood draw on his little heel to keep checking where we were at. They sent us home with a bili blanket with little felt eye protectors and again left us to our own devices. My husband and I couldn’t help but feel so overwhelmed and cried every time we looked at our little newborn because it felt like we were lost and all alone. We were new parents who had no idea what we were doing camped out in our living room for weeks now while the entire house was a mess. I had to exclusively pump for those first two weeks to encourage increased intake. My husband let me sleep for as long as I could when I was completely wiped out and I would wake up really engorged and I was truly at a loss on how to figure out this new thing on top of nursing my own recovery from a vaginal birth. I cried at the thought of formula because all I’ve read made me feel inadequate if I couldn’t breastfeed. We had to give formula anyway on occasion but he didn’t take it well and projectile vomit that made us feel so much guilt that we might have made the wrong decision. It truly was a dangerous spiral on top of the timing of it being the peak of the pandemic and everyone had to stay home. And to say that postpartum is brutal is an understatement. But I would like to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That is the wonderful gift of hindsight. We ended up nursing for 21 months before we decided it was time to wean.
Fast forward to our second baby, two and a half years later. I started feeling small contractions about 7PM. Came to the hospital before midnight with my lap timer on my phone looking like I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so. I walk up to the hospital and up the elevator to check myself in. I had to wait a few minutes for the triage room and was asked to change into the hospital gowns myself and found that I couldn’t do it. Turns out I was 10cm, the nurse skipped the intake questions and wheeled me straight into the delivery room. They had me crawl onto another hospital bed myself which I truly don’t understand given the state of pain I was already in? Lol. I gave birth spontaneously unmedicated soon after my water broke while pushing all within 30 minutes. 
I latched my baby with a C hold, proud and confident this time as my baby latched and fed so well. The next two weeks I pumped to empty with every feed, along with hand expression until I got a steady supply. This has given me increased supply compared to my first go around. Knowing what to expect and that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel truly gave me perspective on the sleepless nights. I also suspect going through an unmedicated birth had also given me a better headspace no matter how brutal the pain was during labor. And as much as I’ve read this about unmedicated births - dare I say I would have to attest to that wonderful connection at birth and the feeling of just being present in the moment that I never would have considered if I had that choice to make for an epidural. It made a whole world of difference to me postpartum. And this time I feel so lucky to also be able to share my baby’s milk with other moms who need a little extra help with their supply with about more than a thousand ounces donated to date and counting. 
Breastfeeding, to me, is more than what the name implies. It’s complex and not one experience is the same as another. It’s difficult when you feel like you are underproducing and there are also difficulties in overproducing. It’s difficult when you have to decide to supplement. It’s difficult when you stop producing altogether. It’s difficult to have to decide between breastfeeding and recovering from a traumatic birth. It’s difficult to ask for help. And it’s so difficult to be judged for any of these decisions. But in all of these cases and in between, we’re all just trying to figure it out and do our best with the information we have. I know you’re doing your best, mama, and I support you all the way. You’re doing great"
