I first met this beautiful and charming little girl when she was just two years old. She, together with her grandparents, were visiting her mom Karen here in Dubai. We would talk on video call apps prior to that, but this was the first time I was meeting her in person. Although she talked a lot, she’s understandable shy around me. While eating dinner, she sat beside her mom and that was the first time I heard her call me “Tito G.”
My then-girlfriend (now wife) Karen was a single mama to Shante Nicole. From the get-go, she already told me she has a daughter from a previous relationship. Although painful and tough for both mom and child, they had to be separated because Karen had to work in Dubai to provide for her needs.
I don’t think it took me long enough to accept the fact that I would be a stepdad. When I decided to be in a relationship with Karen, I knew that loving her meant loving her daughter too. That soon I would have to be a father to a daughter who’s not my own flesh and blood. There was not a little bit of hesitation to accept this role.
But as with everything worth having, I soon found out it wasn’t going to be easy. It was like I was walking in an emotional minefield. There were a lot of things and people to consider, and I had to think of ways to get her to trust and love me, considering we only interacted via video calls.
Author Gerald Trinidad with stepdaughter Shante Nicole“Can I call you Daddy?”
Three years since our first meeting, she asked me this question and boy was I over the moon! Karen did not even have to force her or tell her to do it. This taught us that a child would know when it’s the right time, we just had to let her take her time.
Here are some more lessons I learned while navigating the tricky waters of being a stepfather:
Walk the talk. Without you noticing it, they are always watching you. Never underestimate them. They are sharp and can connect the dots faster than you can imagine. You do not want to be in an uncompromising position when they question you why you do things you said they cannot. It is quite embarrassing. So I try to be a positive role model as much as I can.
Follow your wife’s lead. When it comes to exercising discipline, it is best to follow your wife’s lead. Even though you have established a good relationship with them, they still have hesitations. I won’t sugarcoat it for you: there are times when you’ll still feel like an outsider in their life. So manage your expectations and do not push your luck too much. Kids will always have a special connection with their biological parents that only they understand. But it doesn’t mean they don’t love and appreciate you.
Be a father in every sense of the word. You are not just a stepdad—you are their dad! The only difference is they are not your flesh and blood. You are not an understudy. So own it and be the best that you can be for them. Whatever it takes.
Now a family of three: Gerald, Karen, and ShanteShante gave me a newfound sense of purpose. I feel that I no longer live for myself anymore. She made me realize that I could change my ways. I know I have temper issues at times, but becoming this little girl’s father suddenly sparked a change in me. I became her friend, playmate, listener, teacher, and all sorts of roles. Seeing her happy makes my heart swell all the time. I didn’t know I have this much love to give.
Before I proposed marriage to her mom, I first asked Shante. This little innocent girl gave me her “Yes” because she said I make her mom happy. Last year, after more than six years of living apart, Karen and Shante were finally together 24/7 as she now lives with us. I am the happiest to see this beautiful reunion of the two girls I love the most in this world.
We still have a long way to go, that I know. Shante will still take some time to get used to us being a family of three. But I’m confident we will get there one day.
Gerald Trinidad is a stepdad to a charming 7-year-old girl. He works as a structural engineer in Dubai.
