There are a lot of things that are harder than they sound. Hiking up a mountain, waking up before daybreak, and staying away from sweets are perfect examples of this. Another great example of this would be parenting your child.
Before your child comes around, you might always find yourself talking about how you plan on raising your child. Whether it’s with your partner or someone like your parents, there’s always been that conversation that goes into what you plan on doing to help raise your child as best as you can. There are a whole host of ideas and things you plan on doing, which usually sound good in theory. However, that can change when the opportunity actually presents itself.
You see, many parents nowadays believe that one of the best ways to raise their child would be through gentle parenting. On paper, this sounds like a great way to help bring them up. However, when the time comes to raise your child, this method of parenting may yield results that you might not have really expected. That is to say, sometimes, this parenting method doesn’t seem to be working.
With that in mind, is gentle parenting really effective? In this article, we’ll tackle the pitfalls of this method of parenting. In addition to that, we’ll also present to you an alternative that may be a little more effective than gentle parenting. That way, you can still find a way to raise your child in the best way you can. What’s more, you can at least be assured that they’ll turn out to be well rounded and great members of society when they get older.
Gentle Parenting and Its Principles
As the name suggests, gentle parenting is a parenting style where parents take a less harsh way of raising a child. Compared to parenting styles that are very strict when it comes to raising one’s children, not allowing for any leeway or negotiables, this parenting style chooses to be more understanding towards their child and their behaviors.
Empathy
The concept of gentle parenting revolves around four main principles, namely: empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. When you talk about empathy, this entails acknowledging that your child has their own feelings, thoughts, and the like. As many parents believe that their children don’t really understand a lot of things, they sometimes make the mistake of disregarding how their child would feel over certain matters. This may negatively impact your child in so far as they may start to feel like what they feel doesn’t matter. So, empathy aims to counteract that.
Respect
In line with empathy, there is respect. This focuses more on how a parent decides to treat one’s children. While it isn’t necessarily intentional, many parents treat their children as their subordinate. As such, they may sometimes address their children in ways that are condescending or belittling to them. This may then subconsciously affect the way they see themselves. So, in order to help prevent this from happening, parents are also reminded to still talk to their children with the respect that is due them.
Understanding
Gentle parenting also relies on understanding when it comes to raising one’s child. More specifically, a parent must also learn how to understand what their child is trying to tell them. You see, when a parent takes the time and effort to understand the things their child is trying to tell them, the more they’ll keep doing it. This opens up a channel for communication, allowing you to hear your child out and also encouraging them to tell you what’s on their mind. As a result, this will also teach them that they’ll have to learn how to understand people who are trying to talk to them as well.
Boundaries
The last of the four principles of gentle parenting would be boundaries. More specifically, setting boundaries. By setting boundaries, you let your children know what things they can or can’t do and what they should and shouldn’t do. In other words, it’s like setting rules that they need to follow. This also applies the other way around. Of course, as this is gentle parenting, doing so would require that you communicate these with them properly and inform them in ways that are respectful. This is especially true when they violate the boundaries you set.
The Disadvantages of Gentle Parenting
Again, gentle parenting and its guiding principles sound great. However, this can all change when it comes to the actual application of this parenting style. What’s more, the outcome can differ depending on the factors that you take into account.
Becoming Too Lenient
One of the most common pitfalls that come with gentle parenting would be the risk of becoming too lenient. While you do your best to be understanding and avoid being harsh on them, this may sometimes backfire as your children may see that you’re allowing them to get away with a number of things. For example, instead of choosing to discipline them with a punishment, you may just end up talking about it to them. This may not be a good way to get your point across or they may not really see that there’s any consequence to certain actions they do.
It Doesn’t Work On Your Child
Another pitfall that gentle parenting may have would be that it isn't exactly generalizable. Every child is different. From things like their temperament and attitudes to their habits and learning styles, each child is unique. So, this also means that applying a certain parenting style to them may not necessarily be effective. Even if other parents make it sound like it works, that’s their child and not yours. So, in some instances, you may end up realizing that there’s really no way of making something like a gentle parenting style work.
Meeting In the Middle
With all that in mind, how does one find a way to raise their child in the most ideal way possible? What’s more, how does one do it without being too harsh on them. Well, the solution may just lie in how far you’re willing to balance being strict with them and still being kind, loving, and understanding. Fortunately, you can have the best of both worlds. You just need to know how to go about it in a way that would fit your child.
Authoritarian
Among all the different parenting styles, there are two that may work hand-in-hand. This can be understood as a spectrum. On the one side, you have authoritarian parenting. As the name suggests, this parenting style is one that is very strict. It’s a style that doles out punishments when children make mistakes, such as misbehave or fail to do good at school. There is a strict set of rules that they need to follow and they’re non-negotiable no matter what.
Sometimes, authoritarian parents end up becoming more cold to their children. A child may feel like their parents don't care about them and only want to punish them. This may make the child feel like they have no worth when they make mistakes and are only given respect or acknowledgement when they do something right.
Knowing all that, you can consider this an extreme way of parenting, where love is rarely given. Should it be given, it’s only on the condition that they do something good. Knowing that, one can feel that a child may not grow up in the best way possible as they’re not allowed to do things such as express themselves or have their own worth shown to them.
Authoritative
On the other hand, you have the authoritative style of parenting. Authoritative parenting may seem a lot like gentle parenting. However, whereas parents may seem a little more lenient with gentle parenting, authoritative parenting still allows you to be firm with your children.
With this parenting style, you still do your best to understand your children and empathize with them. However, when it comes to things that are important, such as discipline, studies, and how they behave, you’ll have a number of things that may not be easily negotiable. For example, you still expect them to conduct themselves properly in places like school. They have to make sure they tend to their studies and do their best to excel. They also have to do things like stay in trouble and follow the rules there (as well as at home).
So, while you still leave room to be warm, loving, and empathetic with them, you’re also doing what you can to remind them that there are consequences that await them should they choose to misbehave.
With these two parenting styles in mind, what you could opt to do instead of strictly following the principles of gentle parenting would be to strike a balance between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. This isn’t to say you should tolerate being cold and unloving to your children when they make mistakes. What this does mean is that you’re still going to practice empathy and respect towards your children. However, you also have to ensure that you don’t let them think they can get away with misbehaving or crossing boundaries that you’ve set with them.
Be kind to them and show them love, but also be fair and let them know that there are consequences for actions and attitudes that won’t fly with you. In a way, it’s still a little like gentle parenting. However, you’re letting go of the part that makes it seem like you’re very lax and allow any behavior to slide. Instead, you’re still disciplining them in means that are appropriate for actions you don’t want them to adapt.
